I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
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Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Skills
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem