Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives