In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts