[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
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Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
it was love at first sight
Ion see the issue
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.