“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Interior design 👌
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley