Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
You Might Also Like
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs