The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have