[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Whisper out to librarians!
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation