I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
#gardening
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself