Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
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do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Don’t forget to tip your server
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE