If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Important
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*