Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
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If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
can’t bark with your mouth full
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Perfect
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Social Media and Real life
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?