I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
You Might Also Like
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me, reading some of your tweets
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!