COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Stick it to the man
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[montage of me giving-up]
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.