7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
When the stylist spins you back around
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”