“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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I wanna be friends with this person
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
What my back needs
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”