4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
You Might Also Like
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
This made me chuckle.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.