Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
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I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground