An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
british sex workers really pound for pound
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*