ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
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If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Cndnsd Mlk
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me, reading some of your tweets
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on