No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Fights fire with marshmallows
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?