Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
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Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Message from the dog groomers
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
*weighs self after shaving
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.