Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
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There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead