Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
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New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16