“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe