No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
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I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning