Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
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Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time