restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
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What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
every. time.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.