Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.