7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
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Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me, flirting😏
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
CRYING
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?