I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Girl, same.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person