Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”