me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.