I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
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Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups