I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.