Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.