Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
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Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand