I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
You Might Also Like
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.