You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.