angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
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WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I’m crying im so happy for them
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: