When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
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Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Not today. 😅
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?