Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Strangers have the best candy.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s