Bout to have the best sleep of my life
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Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.