Lmfao
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed