I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.