*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
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Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem