I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!