I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
This cat wants you to take your pills
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.