[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
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Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Meeeee too!
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.