AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this